I have made it to ten.

70277023_2453988364646760_7172567299528851456_nIt’s been ten years since the acts of rape and sexual abuse against me. It’s because of His Divine Holiness Sri Nithyananda Paramashivam, I have made it to ten. Otherwise, I am sure that would have remained stunted at a tragic single-digit number due to the raging anger and grief over the loss of my purity and innocence that I was unable to end for so long.

This ten years I have inexplicably grown and transformed due to the grace and blessing of His Divine Holiness. He has given me a higher purpose in life which makes my past irrelevant. Whereas I felt I could not heal in a body which I felt was so violated, He taught me that consciousness is never violated, untouchable and invincible. What’s more, He showed by example. He showed that no matter the character assassination, slander, abuse, relentless attacks, betrayal and blackmail which He has been through, He remains untouched, just like the waters of Mother Ganga on which anything floats. I see Him in samadhi amidst all this attack, His physical eyes locked upon His third eye, a smile tugging at His lips and His head tilted ever so slightly to the cosmos above Him. He shows me that He is Paramashiva, which reminds me that I am Paramashiva also.

Only these powerful cognitions and higher understandings have contributed to my full healing and transformation. But with every powerful cognition which He delivered, the abusers and attackers who still exist, have tampered with the powerful space created inside me. I have still had to fight an onslaught of attacks even though my battle against Vinay Bharadwaj was won. I am not new to accusations that I am lying – VB himself tried to defend himself with this reach. He failed miserably. Yet, many abusers have raised the same beaten-down questions over and over again, insensitive to the fact that it forces me to reopen wounds I want to close once and for all. What kind of inhumanity is this – to demonically probe a deep wound inside another human being, like a kind of special torture in Dante’s Inferno. But what have I done to deserve this treatment?

Are we not beyond secondary victimization, collective ignorance and objectification as a society? Do we raise these judgments even for children who have been sexually abused as well?

For a long time, I sought to make myself stronger and take this abuse. But now after this incessant probing has grown wings, I have decided I cannot tolerate this any longer.

I was a 13 year old child when I was sexually abused, assaulted, manipulated and terrorized. My breasts had not developed, my periods had not become regular, my hips were still un-curving. I recently came across a picture from when I was 13 years old. It was taken on the first day of school in 8th grade. I recall that day clearly in my mind as I remember the dull, low feeling I always feel after speaking with or interacting with Vinay. He will abuse me to tears. My mother wondered why among a whole school full of excited children ready to begin the new school year, I was the only one with my eyes red, crying softly, nervous and shaking even to make a one step in front of me, much less begin another year.

I am recalling this picture as I write this post now because I am remembering that girl- not who I have become. Still vulnerable, unassuming of the world. That is who Vinay Bharadwaj raped.

Within just a few months of the first police report I filed in January 2010, Vinay pushed the other conspirators to move fast in their plot against HDH. By March 2010, I saw the result of Vinay’s schemes and murderous plans but could never be swayed to believe his stories. A dust storm of confusion, doubt, hatred and denial was raised in the ear, and still at 13 years old, I seemed to be in the center of it-seeing the whole storm clearly from the beginning.

Ten years I have fought continuously against people who make claims that I am lying. Honorable Judge Eadie of the Washington State Courthouse (who has perhaps long forgotten me, but I will never forget ) in his statement at the end of the trial was convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that I am telling the truth. He states on page 3 (image attached below), “Now, I did– prior to the trial or early part of the trial, in pretrial matters, I certainly became aware of the issue of the conspiracy that was alleged to discredit the defendant because of issues involved litigation with Swami. And so when L.M., as I will refer to her here when L.M testified I was sensitive to that background and watched her carefully, tended to her testimony, her demeanor while testifying and in her testimony, I find that she acted in a way that was natural. That she responded in a way one could expect of a person testifying about matters such as this. I found the detail that she gave was detail given by her in a manner that was not consistent with being scripted”

The official court transcript of the trial proceedings during Judge Eadie’s statement

Screenshot 2019-09-19 at 1.11.44 PM

Found on page 3 of the court transcript of Judge Eadie’s statement

70421170_2453794224666174_8440580686284324864_n

Found on page 11 of Judge Eadie’s statement

70579974_2453794124666184_8240667726935228416_n

He later expanded, “She clearly had a very strong attachment, commitment to Swami and Swami would have the motive to discredit a person who may be a witness against him. In this case, however, I don’t think there is any credible evidence that a plan to discredit was ever actuated or put in place, and I think that L.M.’s testimony in this manner is evidence of that. Perhaps the best evidence of that. And in saying that I think that she told the truth when she testified as to what happened”

Found on page 8 of Judge Eadie’s statement70942697_2453794171332846_1117157938998280192_n

Finally, in the Findings of Fact, a summary document produced by the Washington State Courthouse, among the points listed that they found credible was, “ That the victim L.M was credible and was telling the truth in her testimony as to her relationship with the defendant. That L.M’s demeanor on the stand was natural and she responded in the way one would expect of a sexual assault victim of her age, that she consistently gave details in a manner not consistent with being coached in relationship to an elaborate conspiracy theory. For example, L.M very genuinely described not saying anything, squirming and not knowing how to react when the defendant licked her neck with tongue”

“Findings of Fact” Document with court stamp from September 21, 2012

70927684_2453799921332271_6840167874842066944_n

Found on page 2 of the “Findings of Fact” Document

70602210_2453794247999505_8835942411680088064_n

Once the Washington State Supreme Court made its decision, enough evidence was there to prove Vinay wrong in his civil suits against HDH where as a way to defend the cases going on against him, he accused HDH of brainwashing him and soliciting sexual acts from him. In 2014, as he was in prison for his crimes against me, he lost his civil suit against HDH. He was then fined half a million dollars for these false accusations. Vinay Bharadwaj appealed the court’s decision almost immediately as it was made. Vinay appealed that the court should consider the opinion cult expert, Dr. Whitsett. However, the court stated in the appeal denial that, “ Although Dr. Whitsett based her commentary on what appears to be sound research, she did not at all know the facts of S.M’s life. S.M attended public middle and high schools. She interned at a hospital and hoped to attend Boston University, across the country from her immediate family and the Swami’s closest control. Thus, while Dr. Whitsett may very well identify a complex mind control analogous to hypnotism, it appears unmet in S.M’s particular case. Bharadwaj fails in his burden to overcome the presumption of competency under the law. Thus, the failure to present this expert testimony did not prejudice the trial results”

69901633_2453797824665814_2402814050678341632_n70619144_2453795054666091_6215381194201104384_n

Upon this critical analysis, long and painful pre-trial process which took over two years, finally the case was closed in September 2012. After listening to over 20 hours of phone sex records in which Vinay- a 35 year old man made to a 13 year old child–, Vinay was convicted and sentenced to 5 years in federal prison and deportation from the United States, with no scope of return until after 10 years. Upon return, Vinay must still register as a child sex offender wherever he is. Only in India, a perverted pedophile like Vinay is not barred or monitored in any way. In India, he walks free.

After several years of intense depression, I was given new life and new opportunity upon joining His Divine Holiness Sri Nithyananda Paramashivam (HDH) and His mission to revive Hinduism. My life became about celebration and nothing else and I’m not exaggerating this fact. Despite the persecution and attacks that HDH has been through, He has sustained the purest form of celebration of existence and made it into a lifestyle here in the Aadheenam. I have been exposed to all kinds of life but this is the best life I could have in this day and age.

Over the last several years, allies of Vinay Bharadwaj have ruthlessly gone on news channels, newspapers, magazines, trying to convince people that I am lying about my experience. As a thirteen-year-old, after undergoing the intense trial in court, being scrutinized and judged by the society was traumatizing.  My family has been under a microscope, closely being watched and our lives publicly displayed.  I withdrew from society and went through middle and high school completely alone, betrayed by society and feeling unprotected in the world.

My post-trauma healing was entirely due to the loving care and spiritual power of HDH. His teachings brought me so much of relief and the yogic techniques revived me from practically the dead.

In a recent post, Linton Jesse Norrish tries to dig into accusations that I have been sleep-deprived and extremely sick in the aadheenam. I am actually astounded at this lie. I am sure there will be hundreds of voices who can support me that I have not at all been sleep deprived, of all things, and rarely, if at all, been sick. I habitually go on a public stage for performances in full costume, make-up and jewels and I have been passionately and unabashedly posting every day on facebook. I interact happily with other aadheenavasis who I live with and devotees living in countries all over the world. And recently, I have had the opportunity to travel to New York and represent the nation of Kailaasa, the world’s only Hindu nation revived by HDH, in the United Nations. This is a chance I would not have gotten at all in my purvashram life.

I am healthy and extremely blissful and every day grateful that HDH has saved my life. At a point in time when I was so isolated from my family, friends and any other safe harbor, nearly at the brink of drowning, at the risk of His own life, HDH rescued me entirely.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s